December 4/5th, 2011
Instead of reflecting back on a time so long ago, I will share with you what I wrote in my journal during my flight home on KL 681. Excuse its candid nature, as I had never intended on sharing this content.
I left Agonda many hours ago…28.5 to be exact. If feels long ago that I was sitting on the beach meditating and watching the sunrise on my last morning, the start to another beginning. I remember looking back through the window of the taxi, down the lane of lush palm trees silently saying goodbye with so much thanks and appreciation to the beach that brought me a month of beauty, love and sweat. Before I understood, I had seen Agonda for the last time and my hair flew around me as Jesus, my cab driver (niece of Fatima) climbed the roads up mountains and valleys of palm tree forests to get me to the Goa airport. I absorbed the last sights of India I could enjoy, reflected on my journey and tried to imagine myself going home even though I was already on route to that reality.
Agonda and its people are now a part of me. The ocean, dolphins, birds, sunsets, sand and cows are all inside of me. Every part of that beach shaped me, taught me and became a part of me as I meditated with all of it. The rocks upon which I sat for hours cultivating energy and love gave life to my breath…life giving energy. The dolphins brought me limitless appreciation and wonderment for the beauty of this earth. The sand molded into the perfect asana [comfortable seating place], mat for a headstand and at times a lesson of patience. The cows brought laughter and sometimes challenged my concentration. The birds a serene wake up call and a partner at times, to the rhythm of my pranayama. Agonda let me see more than ever before that everything is everything and even though my physical body no longer remains there, I am still sharing moment with all the elements that create the beautiful beach. With understanding and acceptance of non attachment has made goodbyes lighter and more joyful. Now, when I close my eyes while I sit at home, cozy in my room for my daily meditation, I will be able to hear the waves on the rocks, the birds waking up and the cows saying hello. Maybe I’ll be able to even feel the power of that strong ocean at times. It was a blissful place to experience and witness so much growth, love, expansive beauty and appreciation for all that is in so many beings
I come home with so much more in me. More energy, life force, self knowledge, growing unconditional love, appreciation, contentment and freedom inside of me. As I come home and watch myself reunite with the life I left behind I will notice more of what I am , not necessarily in comparison with who i wan when I left, but who I am in the ever connected universe, home in YVR. On my last mediation on the beach I told myself something along the lines of ‘no matter where I am, everything is one. No matter where I am, I will still have my inner self, No matter where I am, I find contentment in the beauty of nature.’ That is definitely not word for word or close to but the exact right, affirming words had told me I will not lose my true self in the city, that I control my contentment and that no matter where I am, everything is connected. The thoughts came so smoothly at the beach. My fears melted and expectations of coming home dropped. .
Its a different experience coming home to a life I loved before I left and with a perspective of non-attachment, santosha and heightened awareness of my sinking ego. Its easier, happier but slightly confusing as I try to leave expectations behind and recognize my contentment has nothing to do with coming home, leaving Agonda or siting in an airplane chair and really needing to pee…Now, more than ever does my happiness come from within, steadier than I’ve ever known it. Its different to come home and all of a sudden have an audience waiting for you, each with their own expectations of who I am as Jennifer, and who I am as Jennifer who has been in India and is now a ‘yoga teacher’. Those expectation are not mine to worry about fulfilling though and I need to remember that.
Even though I imagined the airport scene in my mind many times in morning mediation, or sitting in a tuk-tuk…I am only starting to realize that scene or some form of it will be played out in real time soon…and even though I have imagined it I don’t know what I do expect, or if I do expect anything.